Why and How to Pray as a Couple
By Jimmy Sliwa
If you are a Christian couple and want to build intimacy in your marriage, there is no better way than to pray together.
Now to be clear, intimacy is more than just physical and emotional. It is spiritual as well.
Many times, seasoned couples have nailed down the physical and emotional intimacy, but their spiritual lives are running on empty. One reason for this is that they don’t prioritize praying together.
The number one reason why couples don’t prioritize prayer is because it feels ‘uncomfortable’ or ‘awkward.‘ I totally understand this, that’s how it was in my marriage, but often the most growth happens in uncomfortable situations. My wife likes to say get comfortable being uncomfortable.
It is sad to hear, but most Christian couples don’t pray together.
I’m not here to cast judgement on anyone; for the first 8 years of our marriage, our prayer life consisted of traditional and ritual prayers. You know the standard prayers before dinner and at bedtime. We rarely practiced intimate prayer time because it felt ‘awkward.’ We also didn’t realize what we were missing by skipping time in intimate and focused prayer.
But when we did start to incorporate this type of praying, we began to see a new level of intimacy and breakthrough we had never experienced before. Intimacy due to complete vulnerability and breakthrough in areas like my lust and my wife’s anxiety.
Prayer has a way of bonding couples together as they seek God to help in the relationship. We were never supposed to do marriage alone. We need God’s help.
The practice of praying together works as a bonding agent because both husband and wife are extremely vulnerable with one another and with God. And vulnerability draws us closer together.
In this post I will dissect both WHY and HOW to begin incorporating praying into your marriage
Why Pray Together as a Couple?
1. It Invites God Into the Relationship
Prayer isn’t just a ritual meant to be recited at mealtimes and bedtimes.
If you are a Christian, you believe that Jesus is a person and not just a thing.
When you pray and cry out to God, you are inviting the person of Jesus to join in the relationship. This is important because Jesus loves you and loves your marriage. In fact, he wants nothing more than for you to thrive in your marriage. When you pray with your spouse, God is invited into the relationship. The Bible says it this way.
- “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” -Matthew 18:20 NIV
Isn’t that a cool thought! When you join with your wife in prayer, God promises to be there in your midst. Take a pause and think of that for a moment. The God of the universe promises to be presents when you join with another person in prayer.
Wow!
The true benefit of having Jesus stand on your behalf in your marriage is that your marriage will be stronger if you have Jesus weaved throughout.
Check this out.
- “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12. NIV
You see, when you pray as a couple Jesus promises to be there in your midst and strengthen your marriage.
2. Prayer Enhances Communication
Prayer also improves communication between couples. When you pray together, you not only express your thoughts and feelings to God, but also to each other.
This practice encourages an honest and open communication style, fostering a safe space for discussing difficult subjects. If you want a H.O.T. (honest / open / transparent) marriage, prayer can help get you there.
Prayer does this by giving you and your spouse an opportunity to be extremely vulnerable. Vulnerability is communicating your emotions, fears, and shortcomings as well as your dreams and desires. To be vulnerable in prayer means to hold nothing back.
In other words, the more vulnerable you are, the more that your spouse gets to know you. The more that they know you, the more they can empathize with you, fostering better communication.
3. Prayer Builds Trust
Trust is the currency of all romantic relationships. When you are your partner pray together, you demonstrate trust in each other’s beliefs and vulnerabilities. It provides a sense of togetherness and solidarity, helping you to know that you are not alone in your challenges.
Again, being extremely vulnerable in front of your spouse takes trust.
And this mutual trust will spill over into other areas of your relationship, creating a more harmonious partnership.
4. Prayer Gets You on the Same Team
Marriage only works if you and your wife are on the same team.
The best way to achieve unity and a sense of teamwork is to paddle in the same direction. If you and your wife are focused on the same target, you will make a much better team.
Prayer can help you focus on the same goals and values. It does this by focusing your attention on the things that really matter.
In less words, praying together will get you on the same page. It does this by focusing your attention and your goals on God
Take a look at this picture….
If you and your wife are aiming at the same God, you will be drawn toward each other. The closer that you get to God, the closer you will draw to each other.
Prayer helps us orient out lives towards God. Prayer is an opportunity to reflect on your relationship’s purpose and direction, aligning your actions with your collective vision for the future.
5. Prayer Offers Clarity
God answers prayers. Not always in the way that we believe He should, but He does answer prayers regardless.
When you sit down and pray with your spouse, you remind yourself that God is in control. There are so many factors in life that we cannot control, and this can be hard to deal with.
If you and your spouse feel like you lost control of the steering wheel, this is the perfect time to regain an eternal perspective. Prayer does just this by realigning our focus on the God that answers prayers and has good things planned for us.
- “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
Recap: You and your wife are missing out if you do not spend time praying together. Prayer is a powerful and effective tool for improving communication and trust in your relationship as well as inviting the Holy God into your relationship. It also helps you and your wife refocus your attention on eternal matters rather than simply earthly matters.
Prayer isn’t just a ritual that needs to be done in solitude. Prayer can and should also be practiced with your spouse. If done with honesty and vulnerability, the practice of prayer WILL greatly improve your marriage.
How to Start Praying Together as a Couple?
In the books of Matthew and Luke, Jesus gave us a template for prayer.
- “Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name; they kingdom come; they will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.” Matthew 6:9-13
Jesus’ example is obviously a great template for how to pray to God. But, it is not the only way to pray.
God wants us to pray about all situations and at all times. He wants us to pray individually and collectively. He also wants us to pray with our spouse.
This stands to reason that there are many ways to pray. There is no-one-size- fits all method. This is good news because you and your spouse can develop your own style of prayer.
The important thing is that you start.
Below is a list of 6 items that will help you learn how to start praying as a couple even if it feels awkward.
1. Set Aside Time
Just like any other activity, praying together requires dedicated time. Find a time (or make the time) that works for both of you. It can be in the morning before the crazy day starts, in the evening before falling asleep, or at any other convenient moment during the day.
Obviously, you can pray at intervals such as at mealtimes, but setting aside intentional time to pray and do nothing else is really what we are talking about.
My wife and I like to do it before we fall asleep at night. Sometimes, this is the only time that our busy schedules seem to align. It works for us because we are together and without distractions. Find a time that works for your situation and make it a regular thing.
2. Choose a Comfortable Setting
Choose a comfortable and quiet space that is free from distractions. If you have children, you may have to choose a time when they are asleep. Also, you may have to leave your phone out of the room so that you are not easily distracted.
Eliminating distractions is important because it will allow you to focus on your spiritual connection without external interruptions.
You wouldn’t want to be distracted if you are having a conversation with a friend. The same goes for prayer. If you want to connect with the God of the universe, choose a comfortable and distraction free space.
3. Select a Prayer Style
You and your wife may pray differently, and this is ok. There are various prayer styles you can choose. It can be spontaneous prayers or a prayer with a specific prompt.
Other ideas are reading from scripture or reciting pre-written prayers. You can also sing songs to God or perhaps read from the book of Psalms. There is no right or wrong way to pray as long as you are reverent and seeking after God and not your own personal interests.
Together with your wife discuss which prayer style seems comfortable and go for it.
Our prayer time is mostly spontaneous with the occasional recited prayer. On the times that we don’t know what to pray for we may sit in silence and listen to music together. Again, there is no perfect way to do it as long as your heart is in the right place.
4. Express Gratitude
Done correctly, prayer should give you time to reflect on the blessings in your life. Somewhere in your prayer with your partner be sure to express gratitude. You can express gratitude for each other and gratitude for God’s blessings in your life.
Giving gratitude is a proven way to change your perspective and bring about more joy. Is does this because it focuses on what is going right in your life rather than what challenges lie ahead. Make it a regular practice in your prayer time to express gratitude so that you will reap more joy.
5. Share Concerns
Prayer is also a time to share concerns with each other and with God. This is where true vulnerability comes into play. When you pray, you have an opportunity to share your concerns with God and before your spouse.
Don’t take this opportunity lightly. Instead, use this time to open up and be honest about what you are feeling and what challenges you are facing. Sharing concerns before God and your spouse is the key to vulnerability and developing a deeper connection.
6. Listen
Lastly, it is important to take time to listen while praying. Remember prayer between husband, wife, and God is a three-way conversation.
This means that you should actively listen to both your partner and God.
Be sure to actually listen to your partner’s words and feelings. They are being vulnerable, and you should listen to what they are conveying. This is how you build empathy.
In addition, you should give the Lord an opportunity to speak to you. Now I am not exactly sure how God speaks to his people, but it is clear that God does want to speak to his children.
Throughout your prayer time, be sure to give space for God to talk or impress something on your heart.
Don’t bend God’s ear without also lending your own ear to hear his voice.
Recap: There is no on-size-fits-all style of praying together as a couple. It is up to you and your spouse to determine how your prayer life will look. Some things to keep in mind are to choose a consistent time and a quiet space that is free from distractions. This will help you focus your attention on God.
While you are praying be sure to express gratitude and your prayer concerns because God cares for you. Lastly, leave an opportunity for God to speak to you.
What Should Couples Pray About?
The Bible makes it clear that we should pray without ceasing.
- “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I think that this means that we should get in the habit of praying about everything. Whether things are going well or things are going wrong. God wants us to talk with Him.
It’s like when you have children, you want them to bring ALL their concerns to you. Whether they are stressed out or just in a silly mood. As children of God, he desires that we would bring all our concerns, desires, joys, and pains to Him.
He wants us to pray about everything and without ceasing.
Obviously, this can get challenging. Especially if you are still fighting the ‘awkward’ prayer stage. Below we have grouped together prayer prompts to get you started praying for any and all things.
- Pray for your marriage to be on mission for God
- Pray for your children to grow in their relationship with God
- Pray for God to bless your career
- Pray for your character to remain steadfast in all situations
- Pray when you and your wife tithe and it hurts
- Pray when you or your spouse feel overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed out
- Pray when you are making big decisions together
Final Thoughts:
Praying together as a couples is a powerful practice that will bring numerous benefits to your relationship. It deepens emotional intimacy, improves communication, builds trust, aligns your values, aids in conflict resolution, and provides a source of comfort during challenging times.
While starting this practice may feel unfamiliar, the rewards are well worth it. The rewards of a vibrant prayer life have eternal benefit.
Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to praying together as a couple. The most important thing is that you start doing it on a regular basis.
So, I encourage you to start, be patient with yourselves, and allow this practice to transform your relationship with your spouse and with your God.
