Why and How to Have a Weekly Marriage Meeting
By Jimmy Sliwa
I hate arguing with my wife. It can ruin the whole evening!
In an effort to quit fighting about petty things, my wife and I decided to hold weekly marriage meetings in the new year.
Two months in and I got to say … I am so glad that we decided to take 30 minutes out of our week to have a check in.
It’s not sexy, but it does get us on the same page.
I’ve realized it’s possible to be a team in marriage even if you have different opinions. If you want to be on the same page and excel in communication, there is one solution.
- The answer: Have a Weekly Marriage Meeting
What Is a Weekly Marriage Meeting?
A weekly marriage meeting is a scheduled time set aside by a couple to discuss various aspects of their relationship. These meetings are often focused on communication, problem-solving, and planning for the future.
It’s a chance for you and your wife to discuss future plans and make sure that you are on track to meet your goals. This is also the perfect opportunity to discuss “non-sexy“ topics like finances and parenting, but also schedule in fun – like vacations and date night.
The purpose of marriage meetings is to get on the same page as your spouse.
It serves as a springboard to voice any issues or concerns and ensure that both individuals feel heard and supported. Without meeting regularly, you run the risk of miscommunication.
I can still remember when Anna and I had our second child. I was working full time and Anna was a homemaker and working on her side hustle. We were ships in the night. Too busy taking care of grown-up tasks to even schedule in fun!
I have found that, the busier the couple, the more important it is to have a weekly marriage check ins.
Benefits of a Marriage Meeting
Marriage therapist Marcia Berger in her book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love, states, “My husband and I have been holding marriages meetings for over twenty-four years. I do not know how we would have stayed happy together without them. We reconnect every week by holding a meeting… Our meetings foster trust, romance, and intimacy.”
Holding a weekly marriage meeting offers numerous benefits for couples. It provides a dedicated time to communicate openly and effectively, leading to improved understanding and connection. These meetings allow couples to address issues promptly, preventing them from escalating into larger problems. They also provide an opportunity to set goals together, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support. By establishing a regular meeting routine, couples can strengthen their relationship, increase intimacy, and maintain a strong emotional bond.
I hope by now you can see that marriage meetings are a great tool that can keep your relationship humming along.
Quit miscommunicating with your spouse. Start a weekly marriage meetup.
How to Conduct a Marriage Meeting
Executing a marriage meeting doesn’t have to be hard. Its actually best to keep things simple. With that in mind, there are some key ingredients to holding a successful marriage meeting.
Schedule it weekly: Marriage meetings should be held regularly. We suggest that marriage check ins happen weekly because life is busy. With each new week come new challenges. If you choose to hold marriage meetings on a weekly basis you are far more likely to stay consistent and on the same page. It’s best to choose a day of the week and be consistent.
Keep it Between Husband and Wife: The purpose of a marriage meeting is to help the husband and wife get on the same page. With that being said, all distractions should be eliminated. This means that no kids and no phones. Keep it intimate and between husband and wife only and do your best to keep it distraction free.
Have an Agenda: The main reason we were unsuccessful with marriage meetings is because we did not have an agenda. An agenda will help to keep you focused and on track. Without an agenda, you will likely run off on rabbit trails. Keep your meetings focused and productive by sticking to an agenda.
Start With Gratitude: Marriage meetings should be a positive experience. In order to start off on a positive note, it is a good idea to start each meeting with gratitude. Share an feeling of gratitude that each of you have about our spouse. Point out what qualities you appreciate about the other person.
Actively Listen: A killer to good communication is interruption. Be sure to ask questions and then shut your mouth and listen. Do not interrupt. Make sure that you hear and affirm that you try your best to understand your spouse.
Do's and Don'ts for a Marriage Meeting
Executing a marriage meeting doesn’t have to be hard. It’s actually best to keep things simple.
- Do meet weekly
- Do keep it short (30 min or less)
- Do keep it between Husband and Wife:
- Do stick to an agenda:
- Do start with gratitude:
- Don’t interrupt
- Don’t meet if you are hungry or tired
- Don’t hold it over a meal
- Don’t criticize
- Don’t Forget to Empathize
What is the Marriage Meeting Agenda?
One of the key ingredients to a marriage meeting is sticking to an agenda. An agenda will help to keep you focused and avoid running off on wild tangents. Everyone can choose their own meeting agenda, but some elements should be consistent each time. During weekly marriage meetings, couples might discuss topics such as:
Gratitude: Expressing appreciation for things the other person has done or qualities they have is the best way to start off a meeting. By starting with gratitude you are starting off on a positive note. This will help set the tone for the whole meet up. Examples of gratitude are:
- Thank you for taking the kids to school
- I appreciate how hard you work for our family
- I am impressed with your self-control sticking to your diet
- Thanks for mowing the lawn so neatly
- I love watching the way interact with our kids
Check-in: Each partner should be given an uninterrupted opportunity to share how they’re feeling emotionally and physically. The check in should be greeted with empathy and a listening ear. This provides an opportunity to connect with your partner on a deep level.
Concerns or Issues: The crux of a meeting is to share concerns of issues that have arose during the week. Providing a safe space to discuss any problems or conflicts that have come up during the week should be a priority in every meeting. As concerns arise the problems can be tackled as a team. Examples of common concerns or issues that should be discussed:
- Financial troubles
- Trouble with the In-laws
- Sex and intimacy problems
- Communication issues
Upcoming Logistics: After concerns and issues have been taken care of, now you can move on to planning for the upcoming week. Making plans for the upcoming week, such as scheduling date nights, dividing household chores, or discussing To-Do lists is the key to starting the week off on a good note. This is the perfect opportunity to discuss topics such as
- Honey-do lists
- Scheduled meetings or play dates
- Upcoming work challenges
- To-Do list
Plan for Quality time: Lastly, it is a good idea to discuss ways to spend quality time together. Couples that make plans for the good times tend to have better relationships. Quality time is the fabric that holds a marriage together. Make sure to make this happen. nurturing the relationship.
Printable Agendas for Weekly Marriage Meetings
Real World Example: Jake and Allison Porto
It’s silly to think that marriages can thrive on love alone. It’s far better to be practical than whimsical.
If you find that you and your wife are not on the same marriage team, you might benefit from a weekly marriage meeting.
To get a real-world example of how to make this happen I interviewed my friend Jake Porto. He and his wife Allison are great a great example of making marriage meetings happen.
I wanted to learn from him, so I decided to ask him some Frequently Asked Questions about how to make marriage meetings a regular part of marriage.
Why Did You Start to Hold a Marriage Meeting?
When Allison and I were approaching the one-year mark of marriage, it became apparent that we were nearing the end of the “honeymoon phase.” We were wanting to prepare ourselves for bumpier roads ahead — when the newlywed excitement wears off. This is when we tried out the practice of having regular marriage meetings.
It has not been a “fix-all” solution, but was a tool we thought could be helpful in cultivating and maintaining a fruitful marriage. I was particularly motivated to learn from my previous marriage which ended in divorce. With that painful experience still fresh in mind, I was determined to do the right things for Allison and my future children.
What Challenges Have You Faced?
Marriage meetings have not always come easy. Sometimes we end up having our meeting with the little ones’ present – which can be a serious challenge. Another challenge is our tendency to wander off topic. If we are not intentional to keep distractions down, it’s easy to wander off on a tangent. Lastly, we have experienced burnout a time or two when we try to cram too much in one meeting. My wife gets antsy after 30 minutes, so we typically try to keep our meet ups brief. We have discovered that once in a routine, it gets easier to be consistent.
What Benefits Have You Seen?
Now that we have kids, the benefits of regular marriage check-ins have become much more obvious due to the fact we have much less free time. Marriage meetings enable us to block out protected time (BEFORE all of life’s distractions) for doing the things we value most and working towards our common goals. Here are a few other specific examples:
1. Fewer miscommunications: we’re more likely to be on the same page about things and have clear expectations going into the week.
2. Separating “business” & meaningful conversations: When we talk logistics for the coming week during the meeting, we don’t have to spend as much time on “business” over dinner or in bed when we are both exhausted and more prone to getting frustrated.
3. More Fun: We’re more likely to see a successful date night, fun outing, or weekend trip happen when we’re planning in advance
Do You Follow an Agenda?
We do like to follow an agenda. Initially, we printed one out, laminated it, and used whiteboard markers to fill in the worksheet each week. Now we have a digital system to keep tasks/projects and relevant meeting topics organized.
Here is the agenda that we still loosely follow each week:
> > > Appreciation, Tasks / planning for the week, Plan for good times, Problems / challenges, Next meeting agenda, and prayer.< < <
We have recently started incorporating prayer into our marriage meeting. We choose to pray out loud over our marriage, by giving thanks and asking God for direction in our marriage. We used to pray in closing but now prefer to pray at the start of our marriage meeting. Prayer has been a great addition.
Jake’s Wrap Up Advice for Marriage Meetings:
Happy marriages involve a combination of fun/intimacy, as well as “business” and hard work. The truth is, both ends of that spectrum are important for a thriving marriage. Just because marriage meetings fall into the “hard work” category, doesn’t mean it can’t still be fun and something to look forward to as a couple. Getting creative makes the experience more enjoyable. Just tonight, my wife and I danced around the kitchen for a minute before our meeting. We laughed the whole way through the dance – we may have to start all of our weekly meetings like that from now on!
