Managing Holidays With the In-Laws
By Jimmy Sliwa
For the first 5 years of our marriage, we skipped Christmas morning altogether.
After a late-night Christmas Eve at my parent’s house, we would wake up and head straight to my in-laws for Christmas Day.
The result was a tired couple that dreaded the holidays.
It’s sad because the Holidays should be the most “Wonderful Time of the Year.” But for those that struggle with people pleasing disorder like me, the holidays can be stressful.
It can be particularly hard when it comes to balancing family traditions, managing expectations, and navigating relationships with in-laws.
Don’t get me wrong, the in-laws on both sides of the equation are great. But as both families grow, there are more expectations that have to be juggled.
In time, I have realized, the key to making the holidays enjoyable for everyone is to approach these challenges with effective communication and a little compromise.
Here’s how you too can manage the holiday season with your in-laws and ensure that everyone enjoys the holidays.
Plan Early and Communicate Clearly
One of the biggest sources of holiday tension is uncertainty.
> Who’s hosting? What time? What traditions are we keeping?<
Avoid last-minute surprises by planning well in advance. Sit down with your spouse and in-laws to clarify everyone’s expectations at least 1 month before the holiday. This gives everyone a clear picture of what to expect and gives everyone a chance to prepare.
Tips:
- Schedule a family meeting or call early (*Right after Halloween).
- Ask about preferred dates, especially if you need to split time between multiple families.
- Be clear about your own plans and limitations (e.g., if you’re juggling work or have commitments with your side of the family).
- Consider a family group text so you can go back and reference dates and assignments.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship with in-laws. Holidays can bring out the best and worst in people, and it’s important to set clear boundaries to avoid stress and conflicts. This could involve the duration of your visit, what activities you’ll participate in, or how much time you’ll spend at their house.
A personal boundary that my wife and I have set is that we will always do Christmas morning with our kids. It was important to us that we had a quiet and slow Christmas morning. In order to protect that we set the boundary that Christmas morning was our family only!.
Tips:
- Be upfront about what you’re comfortable with and where you need to draw the line.
- Have a united front with your spouse to avoid any misunderstandings or mixed signals.
- Set time limits on visits or establish which traditions are most important to you and your spouse.
Respect Traditions, but Create Your Own
In-laws may have long-standing holiday traditions, and while it’s important to honor these, it’s equally important to carve out space for your own family traditions. Finding a balance can be tricky, but it’s possible with some thoughtful planning.
* If you are unable to keep your extended families traditions, opt out to protect your own families traditions first.
Tips:
- Incorporate some of their traditions into your celebrations to show appreciation.
- Find ways to merge their traditions with your own or introduce new activities everyone can enjoy together.
Prioritize Your Spouse
Holidays can strain even the best marriages, especially when in-laws are involved. Remember that your spouse is your primary partner in this process, and their needs come first. A united front with your spouse is essential for reducing tension and ensuring both sides of the family feel respected.
Tips:
- Regularly check in with your spouse about how they’re feeling.
- If tensions arise, talk privately and resolve issues as a team before involving others.
- Make time to do something special together as a couple to strengthen your bond during this busy season.
Focus on What Matters Most
Tips:
- Focus on gratitude—appreciate the time you have with family, even if it comes with challenges.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Some of our favorite/funniest holiday memories are when things went terribly wrong.
- Be present and engaged and make an effort to connect with your extended family.
Final Thoughts: A Time for Connection
Holidays are a time for connection, and with the right mindset, they can be some of the most memorable times spent with your spouse’s family.
