How to Be BFF's With Your Wife
By Jimmy Sliwa
Unless you had an arranged marriage, you fell in love with your wife because you were first best friends.
That’s how love happens. You are friends first and lovers second.
You see, friendship is the foundation of all good marriages.
But sometimes marriages fall out of friendship. We all know those relationship that can’t stand to be around each other. Sometimes you can feel the tension in the air.
I always cringed when my grandparents would about get divorced every time they argued about the TV remote. “Jerry! Where did you put the #@&$ stupid TV remote?!?”
I’m kidding! But it’s amazing how the longer you are married, the more you tend to bicker over the small things.
The wads of hair in the shower. The way she cooks. The way you parent.
*Bicker. Bicker. Bicker.
In your defense, sometimes it’s no fault of your own. The stress of life wears on friendships.
I know our own friendship was strained because our attention was diverted after we had kids. The babies seemed to get all the attention and our own friendship was placed as a distant priority. If we had kept it up for too long, we would have ended up being just ‘business partners.’
This is the sad reality of many marriages. They put all their focus into their kids or careers that they have lost their friendship. However, there are also those couples that remain best friends for forever (BFFs). No matter the situation. It’s like, the tougher that life gets the closer they cling together. You can always spot out the old couple that still enjoys being around one another.
You know, the sweet old couple that still shares a milkshake with two straws. #relationshipgoals.
Being best friends with your wife is more than just loving her – it involves actually ‘liking’ her. Loving and liking someone is two totally separate things. Love is a choice while like is a feeling.
You should also choose to love your wife – this is the duty of a husband. But being best friends means that you still like being around your wife. Being friends with your spouse means to be each other’s confidant and biggest supporter.
There are some obvious signs that will show you if you are still best friends with your wife. These include:
1. You Laugh Together: Best friends tend to laugh a lot and often share inside jokes. A sign you are still BFF’s is that you find joy in each other’s company and share laughter even during the mundane moments of life.
2. You Communicate Honestly: Best friends are honest. A sign you are confidants is that you can talk openly about anything. And I do mean anything. From your deepest regrets to your most outlandish dreams, best friends can communicate honestly, without fear of judgment.
3. You Have Each Others Back: Best friends have each other’s back in all situations. This means you are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, supporting and encouraging one another whatever happens. Even when your spouse may be wrong, best friends still lend their support.
4. You Share Interests: Having common interests and hobbies that you enjoy doing together, creates shared memories. Obviously, it’s good to have your individual hobbies but best friends have shared interests that they can bond over. My wife and I like to do DIY projects at our home.
5. You Disagree Respectfully: Every relationship will disagree at some time. Good friends have learned how to disagree with each other respectfully, knowing that your friendship and love will not be affected.
6. You are Comfortable With Silence: Best friends have no need to fill awkward silence. They are completely comfortable with one another. A sign you are best friends is that you can enjoy quiet moments together, where no words are needed to feel connected.
7. You Trust Each Other: Trust is the cornerstone of any marriage. If trust is lost, there can be no friendship. A deep friendship has an unadultered trust that the other person will be loyal to you.
8. You Celebrating Achievements: Life should be celebrated. A sure sign that you are still BFF’s is that you celebrate each other’s achievements, big or small, and take pride in each other’s successes.
9. You Offer Forgiveness: True friends forgive each other’s mistakes and shortcomings, understanding that nobody is perfect. Best friends can look past hurts and pains and move towards forgiveness in order to preserve the relationship.
10. You Make Future Plans: Best friends see each other as lifelong companions. This means, you include each other in your future plans. Married friends discuss their dream house, and their dream vacation, and what it will be like to raise a family.
How to Stay Best Friends Forever
I have heard it been said, ‘you fall in love fast and fall out of love slowly.’ I think the same applies to friendship. You lose your friendship over a slow fade.
It’s often over a period of time that the marriage friendship will become diluted.
Fortunately, we all know how to be a good friend. Even my kindergartener knows what it takes to be a good friend.
You be friendly!
Positivity and friendliness foster friendships. It really is that simple.
According to top marriage researcher, Dr. Gottman, the healthiest marriages have a positive to negative ratio of 20:1. This means, for every negative interaction (quarrel, rude comment, blame etc…) you need about 20:1 positive interactions. In his research, he has found this 20:1 ratio to be consistent with marriages that are thriving in friendship.
A positive interaction can be as simple as a compliment, a text, or a kiss on the forehead. In fact, most positive interactions are small yet profound gestures.
I like to think of friendship like a bank account. It’s better to put small, regular deposits into the account rather than the occasional big deposit every once in a while.
This should be encouraging. It’s much easier to prioritize small positive interactions rather than some grand gesture every once in a while.
And this is exactly how you become and stay friends for a lifetime –> you prioritize positive interactions!
Here is a List of 20 Positive Interactions You Can Do Today:
1. Text her sweet words
2. Hold her hand
3. Kiss her forehead
4. Compliment her beauty
5. Cook a meal
6. Take the kids off her hands
7. Write her a love note
8. Clean her car
9. Write a poem
10. Fill up her car with gas
11. Pick up flowers at the grocery store
12. Dance with her in the kitchen
13. Serve her coffee
14. Make her favorite dessert
15. Massage her feet
16. Do “her” chores
17. Draw her a bath
18. Buy her a small gift
19. Flirt with her
20. Listen to her without interruption
How to Become Friends Again
What do you do if you lost your friendship in your marriage?
If you lost your friendship, you should do the same thing you would do if you lost your car keys – Go back to the same place that you lost them!
Hear me out.
- If you lost your friendship after the kids were born – go back and make quality time a priority again!
- If you lost your friendship after you got that new job – maybe it’s time to quit the job.
- If you lost your friendship after you lost trust – go back and put your focus on building the trust back.
You get the point.
The two of you were best friends, that is why you chose to get married. If something or someone has gotten in the way, you need to go back to the time in the relationship when friendship was good.
Practically speaking this looks like this –>
To rekindle the friendship, start by reaching out to your wife with a heartfelt conversation. Express your desire to rekindle the friendship and apologize if there were any misunderstandings or issues that led to the distance. You need to show a genuine interest in her life and listen attentively to her thoughts and feelings. By showing sincerity, understanding, and a willingness to work through challenges, you can work towards rebuilding a strong and meaningful friendship again!
