Get Unstuck From a Relationship Rut
By Jimmy Sliwa
This past summer I finally conquered the world-famous Alcan Highway. Not wanting to drive 1,500 miles from Seattle to Alaska alone, I recruited my two younger brothers to be my co-pilots.
It wasn’t long, however, that the high of adventure got drowned out by the relentless miles (or kilometers in Canada) of road.
I can still remember waking up the second day and seeing how little we had moved on the map. It was overwhelming and discouraging.
Honestly, it put us all in a rut.
Isn’t that the story of life and relationships?
At first, it’s thrilling. But before long it’s easy to fall into a relationship rut.
A relationship rut is a period in which a romantic partnership feels stuck, stagnant, or stale.
It’s a phase where the relationship loses its spark and energy. Often, it’s marked by repetitive routines, poor communication, and a sense of emotional distance.
While a rut doesn’t necessarily indicate serious problems, it can be a signal that the relationship needs attention. Think of it as a check engine light on in your car. If you continue to drive with the check engine light on, you run the risk of damaging the engine. Likewise, if you stay stuck in a rut too long, you run the risk of derailing the whole relationship.
Obviously, it’s not a good thing to stay stuck in a rut. If that’s where you find yourself, it’s time to put in the work to get yourself unstuck.
Recognizing the Signs
I chose to use a road trip metaphor because I think it captures many elements of a relationship.
At first, it’s nothing but thrilling while you dream of the adventures ahead. But, like any long trek, it’s easy to find yourself dreading the miles of road ahead.
Maybe the scenery isn’t as exciting as it once was, or driving starts to feel like a chore. Couple that with all the detours that life throws your way and you start to dread the trip.
On a road trip, road signs warn you of potential problems ahead. These signs can let you know if construction or a detour is coming up in the future. In a relationship, these signs also exist.
Here are 4 signs that indicate your are in a relationship rut.
- Routine Dominates Your Days: You’re stuck in the same patterns with little time for connection. Most often this looks like working all day and then checking out in front of the TV for the afternoon. Each workday feels like a slog while weekends start to get monotonous.
- Affection Is on Auto-Pilot: Hugs and kisses may happen, but they lack the spark they once had. There is little to no snuggling, and you often choose to go to bed at separate times.
- Quality Time is a Chore: Hanging out starts to feel like something you check off a list. You prefer to hang out with your friends or check out playing video games rather than spending time catching up with your spouse.
- Too Busy for Each Other: You are overcommitted and are too busy with less important things. Your day is dominated by your schedule and often you feel exhausted by the end of the day. Sometimes you are a workaholic or sometimes you are too much of a people pleaser.
The best way to avoid a relationship rut is to be prepared when upcoming challenges are heading your way. Recognizing these signs is the first step to steering clear of a prolonged rut. If you learn to identify where your relationship is at based on signs you are seeing, you can steer clear of dangers ahead.
Mid-Trip Inspection
Before you take a long road trip, what should you do? A pre-trip inspection, of course!
Check the tire pressure, change the oil and air filter, and make sure you have a spare tire on hand. It’s wise to be prepared.
The same principle applies to marriage. Ideally, before you got married, you did a pre-trip inspection called pre-marriage counseling. But if you didn’t, that’s okay—it’s never too late to pull over and do a mid-trip inspection to ensure your marriage is running smoothly.
Check these three boxes as your mid trip inspection:
Emotional Intimacy
Are you truly connected beyond the surface level? Emotional intimacy means feeling safe to share your thoughts, fears, and dreams without judgment. It’s about being vulnerable, building trust, and making sure you’re both emotionally invested in each other’s well-being.
Physical Intimacy
Marriage isn’t just about companionship—it’s about closeness in all aspects. Physical intimacy, from affectionate touches to deeper connection, plays a key role in keeping the bond strong. Are you making time for each other, prioritizing romance, and ensuring that both of you feel loved and desired?
Communication
No marriage goes smoothly without clear and honest communication. Do you both feel heard and understood? Are you addressing concerns openly instead of letting resentment build? Strong marriages thrive on healthy conversations, active listening, and a willingness to work through challenges together.
Just like a car needs regular maintenance to avoid breakdowns, a marriage needs regular check-ins to stay strong. If any of these areas need work, don’t ignore them—take action. Because when you invest in your marriage, you’re not just avoiding problems; you’re ensuring a smoother, more fulfilling journey ahead.
Re-Orient with GPS
You better believe I purchased the Milepost 49 magazine before heading out on the Alcan Highway. I wanted to have an offline map just in case we lost our GPS signal in the Canadian Rockies. This map gave us a clear direction for where we were heading and a sense of hope for what was coming next.
In a relationship, you need to be oriented. What I mean is that you and your wife must be on the same page and moving in the same direction. Whenever there is a loss of teamwork in an area of life—financially, spiritually, or in parenting – its easy to drift apart. Without a shared vision, it’s easy to drift apart without even realizing it.
If you find yourself in a marriage rut, it could be that you and your wife have become disoriented in your relationship goals. Maybe the dreams you once had together have been buried under the weight of daily life, or perhaps unspoken frustrations have caused you to take separate paths without realizing it.
Communication is a relationship’s GPS. Regular, honest conversations help recalibrate your direction, ensuring that you’re not just coexisting but actively growing together. When was the last time you sat down and talked about your goals, your struggles, and your vision for the future? If you feel lost, don’t panic—just like on a road trip, all it takes is a course correction to get back on track.
Celebrate the Milestones
Ruts often form because you’ve been traveling the same path for too long. It’s time to take a scenic stop—and one of the best ways to do that is by celebrating milestones.
Milestones give you a chance to pause and appreciate how far you’ve come. Whether it’s an anniversary, a promotion, or buying your first home, these moments deserve recognition and celebration. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. If you don’t take the time to enjoy small moments, the miles begin to weigh on you. Celebrating the milestones reminds you why you started this journey in the first place and rekindle the excitement of moving forward.
Celebrating doesn’t have to be extravagant. It could be as simple as a date night, a handwritten note, or a weekend getaway. The key is to intentionally acknowledge the wins—big and small. When you take time to celebrate, you break the monotony and create meaningful memories that fuel the next leg of your journey together.
So don’t just keep driving. Pull over, soak in the view, and enjoy the moments that make the trip worthwhile.
25 Marriages Milestones Worth Celebrating – The Husband’s Club
Handling Detours
Life throws curveballs, and relationships are no exception. Detours can be frustrating, but they’re also opportunities for growth. When an unexpected challenge arises:
- Communicate openly: Don’t keep your frustrations bottled up. Share them constructively and listen to your partner’s perspective.
- Be adaptable: Sometimes, the original plan won’t work out, and that’s okay. Focus on finding a new route together.
- Find humor in the hiccups: Laughing together during tough times can ease tension and bring you closer.
Final Thoughts on Perserverance
Driving the Alcan Highway took me and my brothers 5 days to complete. While this is no comparison to a lifelong relationship, there was an element of perseverance that I experienced.
I have tremendous respect for the people that persevere in marriage. To me, perseverance is one of the most important characteristics to making a relationship work. Relationship ruts are inevitable, but those that persevere are the only ones that make it to their final destination. Without perseverance there is no arrival.
If you find yourself stuck in a relationship rut, keep your foot on the pedal and keep going. That spark and energy you once felt, might be right around the turn.
