10 Lessons I've Learned About Love and Marriage
By Jimmy Sliwa
The longer that I have been married, the more I realize that I have so much more to learn.
It’s kind of like when you were 18 and had life figured out. Then you graduated and realized you don’t know squat about filing taxes, being married, or raising kids.
With every milestone, it becomes more apparent that I have a lot of growing up to do.
Since the members of The Husbands Club come from various walks of marriage, I thought it would be fun to share 10 micro-lessons I have learned along the way. Each of these lessons can save you heartache and bring joy if you begin to apply them.
1. 'Loving' and 'Liking' Your Spouse is Not the Same
At my wedding, my wife vowed to always love me even when she doesn’t like me. There is a difference between love and like. Love is a choice. Like is a feeling. You can choose to love your spouse even when you don’t like them.
Practically speaking, this looks like continuing to serve your spouse even when you don’t ‘feel’ like it. You always have the choice to love because love is an action and not a feeling.
2. Talk Boundaries Before They Are Broken
Did you know, most couples don’t talk about boundaries until they are broken. That’s how it was in my marriage. And let me tell you, it caused a lot of heartache. Don’t navigate difficult topics on blind faith. Instead, every couple should have boundaries in place to safeguard their marriage against egregious sins such as infidelity, addiction, or excessive debt.
Get together with your spouse and talk about healthy boundaries before trust is ever broken. Make a game plan for future trials that we all know are bound to show up.
3. Just Aim for 1
Regular date night is important, but don’t overwhelm yourself with having to plan extravagant dates. Instead, aim for 1 date night per month. 1 overnight per year, and 1 kid-less vacation every 5 years. For those that need inspiration on creative date ideas for any situation we have created a date idea library chalk full of fun and creative dates.
The Ultimate Date Idea List [Always Growing] – The Husband’s Club (thehusbandsclub.com)
4. Counseling Isn't Just for 'Bad' Marriages
Counseling is for all marriages, not just marriages on the verge of divorce. I found tremendous help from a marriage counselor. He helped me understand how to (actually) listen to my wife and how to be more vulnerable.
By listening and hearing my wife, I now have the tools to see from her perspective. Learning to see from her perspective has done wonders for connecting us on a deeper level. Counseling has made a huge difference in my marriage.
5. More Vulnerability = More Intimacy
The more vulnerable you are with your spouse, the more they know you. If you only share 90% of yourself then she can only love 90% of you. If you don’t share your emotions and fears and dreams, then your wife can never fully understand what makes you tick. Don’t rob yourself of love by keeping emotions or struggles to yourself.
We consider vulnerability to be one of 3 marriage growth hacks. Check out this article to get practical insight in how be extremely vulnerable with your spouse.
Top Marriage Growth Hacks of All Time – The Husband’s Club (thehusbandsclub.com)
6. Every 'Yes' to Something is a 'No' to Something Else
Every time you commit to something you are taking time away from another thing. Saying “yes” is good but realize if you say “yes” to everything you won’t have time for your wife and kids. Learn to say “No” and mean it. This can be challenging for you people pleasers out there.
7. When Words Aren't Sufficient, Try Writing
Sometimes words are insufficient, especially in the heat of a conflict. If you do not feel heard by your spouse, you can try writing a letter. Writing as compared to talking gives you the opportunity to formulate your thoughts without emotions getting in the way.
When I broke trust in my marriage, my wife and I communicated through letters to help convey our thoughts and emotions. I have kept these letters to this day and often look back on them as a reminder or her love for me.
8. Scheduled Sex is Better Than No Sex
It’s unrealistic to expect sex with your wife will always be hot and steamy. Sometimes you have to do unromantic things like schedule sex. This can be a good way to have an intimate time without too much pressure on your wife. Sitting down and setting sex-pectations is a good way to get on the same page in regard to sex. Men and women have totally different needs on sex so setting sex-pectations is a good thing.
9. Celebrate the Small Wins
Life is stressful and sometimes monotonous. You ought to take time and celebrate the small wins in you and your life and marriage.
Examples:
- Celebrate when the kids are first potty trained.
- Celebrate when you pay off the car loan.
- Celebrate the job promotion
10. "Never" Use Ultimatums
Ultimatums don’t belong in marriages. They don’t belong because they leave no room for grace. The rule of no ultimatums states: do not use the phrase “you always” or “you never” because it simply isn’t true. Even when you are pissed off, give your spouse grace and avoid these phrases.
11. [BONUS]: Your Best Days are Ahead of You!
The best is yet to come in your marriage. Keep your chin up and keep going. Through intentional practice and getting back up when you fail, your marriage can be made great. Remember, good marriage are not born, they are made.
